The Deranged Thoughts Of A Girl

 I can barely remember what I talked about yesterday but there is so much I still remember so vividly and on a day that does seem kind, I might be tempted to tell the world all of it. But will anyone look at me the same again? Like a person that breaks down in the middle of a crowd, or a breakup story that travels through all mutual friends or how you opened up to someone that you trusted a lot or days when you are really silent, that is all you will be remembered for, stories. People do have their own mysterious way to remember you. I want to be able to tell my story, every single bit of it, about how I love and why I cry, about the simple things I am grateful for and the people that I am glad I met, about my bad days and how my voice breaks when I try to be kind, about the people who loves me and cares for me in the most soft and caressing ways. I want to be able to tell the world how I feel. I think everyone needs to tell the world what burns inside them with so much power so that t

I have lived and breathed through my art, I have loved people in silence yet so loud with my art, I found the strength to forgive people through my art and I am learning to love myself through my art. The repressed emotions I had within myself found an outlet and I came to realise that it was normal. That it was normal to accept feelings I had been trying to hide for so long. I still wonder where I would be if I kept on believing that parts of me I disliked could never learn to love by itself. The distinction to call art good or bad feels like a limit, a limit to control the way we humans are capable of expressing ourselves. We are all in this together. Together in an effort to be understood.We all have our art. Art never has to be something that can be witnessed by others. It can be anything. It could be a feeling inside you, the crumpled paper in your room that has your words, strokes or melody, or simply your existence. It could be the way you hold someone, the way you help others t

What's so great about palindromes?  The idea of a word sounding the same when you write it backwards, meaning the same when most of the others don't. Why are we so intrigued by this? Does it make you believe in something bigger? Maybe it's because we are always surrounded by words that lose its value when you turn it back. Maybe it's because it does feel nice to believe that even when you reach the end nothing is ever going to change. In a world full of uncertainties, some of us have always found comfort in words and some days I feel the words need us too to live.  A friend I made used to send me the poems he wrote. I don't know much about him but I know how he feels, how everyday makes him feel, how much he loves his close ones and how much he was hurting. He'd send me poems he wrote for his muse and I have kept them on a pedestal in my mind so that I can always remember this is how it must feel to be loved. His poems felt like a palindrome, one that could neve

I hesitated to write about it because I had to think about the generations of family that I would be bringing disgrace on. Then I realised even the disgrace wouldn't help me to forget incidents stuck at the back of my mind telling me 'If only you knew'. At sixteen, when the classes were filled with jokes about contraceptive methods, I laughed along. The one sentence that explained sex in the biology text felt stupid, something that you could skip because it wouldn't come for the exams and for once you were right. But do we all realise the damage we are a part of?  You tell us off as a generation  That doesn't love the right way, A generation that fucks  And not one that makes love. A generation that always  Fall prey to fits of passion. But you tell us off for   The wrong reasons. We are doomed because we are still the generation  that gets sex education Weeks before tying the knot. Still the generation that  Holds the trauma of abuse  Without a soul to rely on. Sti

 Every poem feels like a daydream For a poet who mourned the  Death of her words that couldn't Be brought to life by merely  Writing it down. I fall into a haze never really Knowing how I began but as soon As I write the last word I are aware  Of my breaths and my words feel New to me. I always read my poems over and  Over to find errors but never once have I read it to understand what I  Felt when I used my words to Tell the world a story. I love my poems through the ones That read it and make it their own, Because on days when my paper stays blank I go back to them to remind me Of the days when I used to feel a thing or two.

 My world would have been  One that was devoid of hope If it weren't for all those Moments you stood strong For the both of us. It does crumble now and then When the nights stain the days With a sad darkness and the words that should never Have been used together find Their way over to me to Remind me that the universe  Was corrupted to give me hope. But I find you in the corners Telling me that even when my  World stands still you would Go around and bring your  World to mine, we find hope For each other but are selfless  To keep it within ourselves and Somedays I know that is what Saves me so I write you  Thank you notes when I cry For letting me believe that This instance of agony  Would pass as long as I  Have some hope to  Keep you close.

 Hearts all around rejoice  When monsoon comes. I find excuses to meet the rain And papa thanks the clouds For making the time stand still While he watches his little girl Swirling and laughing  Having the time of her life. Hearts all around lament When monsoon comes. Miles apart, I still try to  Make your favourite snack Whenever the skies announce their arrival, the rain embraces My yearning like it knew how Much a wet heart could hurt. The rain whispers secrets of  The inevitable changes but it still came with the bundles Of promises our past made, So that when the rains visit again, Our hearts will grow happier  and stronger.

 We were all going back home With hastened goodbyes, soft hugs, Tons of 'I miss you's, 'keep in touch's  And masks that helped hide tears. We came back to our castle of good Memories with zillions of plans to  Build them up more with warmth and love Only to gaze at the incomplete work  And say what a tragedy! We will learn to live with the despair This abrupt farewell brings us but right here Being alive in this moment, I feel like it'll Stay with me forever and more. Every corner of this place that breathed Anonymity before feels so homely That while looking through photographs  of streets that you and I walked together I am having a sad reunion with our memories.

 The way he broke into tears On the third day because life Felt empty without his lovely wife And three children to welcome him  At night even when he truly lived a life that his adventurous  heart desired by day. The way 18 year olds jump To new cities with a fierce idea Of freedom blooming in their lives Only to call their mother on  The second day just to hear  How home sounds like while  They reek of homesickness. The way people make homes In other people's hearts, making  Safe places to escape to when  Their own head becomes a cold mess Asking you the purpose of living every day When one day you would be forgotten. The way his wanderlust heart could Finally find shelter in four individuals Of his own blood when the whole World was at his disposal for migration Makes me believe that a home inside A heart could survive the longest. The way mothers are willing to  Help her little birds to fly away Even when the world could be An epitome of lurking evils is  Because of the heartfu

  All my life I have measured People's brokenness I have seen it in their tired faces Awaiting for the day to end Before the sun has risen. I have seen it in the way they smile How their eyes mourn death While their lips curl with effort. I have seen it in the way you look At me, so apologetic yet unable To show me the real you. I remember praying to go back To the time when broken was  Just a word, a poet's secret muse, a slight lining that kept art beautiful. But life tastes like poison when the  Emotions you have only felt through Look-through screens of other people  lives suddenly starts feeling you up, Letting you know it's real. With time, humans break with time, humans grow With time, we'll remain broken And with time, we'll learn to live again.

  When the evening sets in, the smell of Her wet hair and worn out saree blends So perfectly with the handful of jasmines In her lap, skillfully preparing a small garland  For me and a bigger one for my sister. She would adorn our neatly combed hair With the fragrance of intertwined dreams And a memory that could survive until eternity. When the flower dies she takes them off  A little sad for everything that once bloomed Must die a lonely death one day. Years later, we laugh out loud as the night changes Engulfing us in nostalgia and uncertain futures I, with my messy buns still love the fragrance That finds its away through the window From her garden of love, and her with Her wrinkled smiles never stopped  Blooming inside my heart so gracefully.

 You stand among the stars  As his most loyal friend, While he masquerades as a hero in daylight  He falls to his knees  Before you as a fallen soul. He can witness you slowly Rotting away into the darkness Like the ordeals of existence Gnawing away his insides. He has a chat with the stars When you leave both  Him and the sky lonely. When you arrive again He talks to you like You never left, just two old  Friends meeting for a drink But he sheds a tear or two In secret because he realises  How much you love him When you created waves in him Even when you took sometime  away from his world.

  My papa likes to have someone to talk to  In the evening with a drink in his hand, My amma likes sudden trips, being surprised With food and me doing the dishes on time. My brother likes it when I listen to him talk  About his interests and dreams. My sister likes being appreciated in groups And sharing secrets in our tiny room. My grandpa likes being listened to when he sings And us welcoming him with a kiss on the cheek. My grandma likes when I recite poems, speak in a fake accent and also being called 'Cici' My friend likes it when I constantly remind her That I love her even though it gets a bit annoying. It feels astonishing to know we hold  The instruction manuals  to make someone happy Without even knowing it, That when the sun finds it difficult  To shine through on days, We appear like magicians Knowing just what to do.

 We lose pieces of ourselves  All along the way we walk, We exchange thoughts with people That are kind enough to guide us, We leave memories in photographs and  Scribblings to show that we exist, We write diaries to remind ourselves Of who we used to be on a different day, We don't hesitate to hand out the  Leftovers of our heart when someone asks, We have seen ourselves whole Yet find ourselves beautiful Lost in kisses, memories and the rain, At the end of the journey We'll carry each other's lost pieces And become an incomplete puzzle Or an unfinished song, So full of mystery and hope.

 I don't remember the last time  I wrote something in my bucket list. I heard stories about how people Found themselves in the peaceful  mountains or the bustling cities And I knew I was lost. I read how The Alchemist changed  People's lives but the world looked Different for me after reading  Sylvia Plath's The bell jar.  I was told that saving up for  The future will be worth it But on a sad day, going on A small trip with my savings Made me feel alive again. I saw people in love and wrote  It down blushing but the paper Looked tired of being erased Everytime someone leaves. I wrote new ones just to strike  Them off while the old ones Stood stiffly as contradictions. My travel lists felt so lifeless When compared to a beach  Visit with you. The books that held me together Were never there in any of my  Reading lists. When I realised I could have  Lived all the time I spent planning I suddenly craved for more time. Love wrote itself into my life so gracefully that it felt

 The world wakes up to the sound  of ambulances, slowly gaining  consciousness with silent prayers Murmured under the blankets  Hoping for a day where we can wake   Up to horoscope predictions and  Not the impending doom that awaits us. Meanwhile, I lie here reminiscing how life Used to be so simple, sweet and carefree. I wonder hasn't life become even more Simpler yet so tragic. In the comfort of our homes We are saving people but locked inside  our minds, we are slowly dying.

 The burden of humans lie deep Within their enchanting souls. The art of remembering another  With bursts of glitter and gold, Words of praise and a heart  That expresses fondness always Yet we in a lifetime could never Fully spell out why we kept feeling Like we stumbled upon a treasure When it was really just you  Walking towards me on a stormy day. We hold our memories of people So close and secured in us It never gathers the settling dust Because of how frequently it gets Visited and remembered about. The spiral of gold dust slowly dancing In the rays of sunlight that  Playfully passed through and  Hid in the comforts of the Rooms in our hearts. Each particle so magnificently  Beautiful to the eyes of the beholder Like being invited to a sorcerer's world For the world could be magic If it had miracles like you in it. We could hide them in our poems Or write novels about them, But for souls as special as yours The words always fall short  For the world to really know you.

 Love brushed past me like a wind During a hot summer afternoon Cooling the beads of sweat on my body With shivers of comfort and pleasure. It never came with grand gestures and Bouquets of flowers on a dreamy night, It stayed with my sorrows and gently Lifted them into the silent night with its touch. Love left me while I was still asleep  comfortable in the warmth it had left behind, With a forehead kiss as a goodbye note It walked away with empathy and regrets. It didn't turn words into hate or leave one  Stranded in a world of indifference, It stood comforting me while I cried And whispered helplessness for its tragic form. Love haunts me some days and I hide in places where it could never find me. But love was kind, it waits for me. Like reveling the last lines of a poem Because it made you feel something, I knew I would go looking for love again, How could a poet resist something  that brings beauty to her words.

 I have my favourite people Scattered all across my life Some are aware of their worth In my life and others unaware Yet they remain silently and Safely tucked into small spaces, a memory that doesn't grow dim Even when new ones form. I find myself running into your arms Just to remind myself that The world still has a kind face in it. You halfway around the world Told me things I was dying to hear And made me want to live life a little. I love the silent conversations  We have when my mind goes awry, How wonderful it is to be understood? We keep apologizing for never Staying in touch but my drunk photos find you first and you call me cool. Our names lie in red in each other's phones As missed calls and yet with a strict Call time in hostel, you call me first. In places new and strange, I have found gems of people Who light up my world with just A mention of their name And I call them home.

 In a life filled with wondrous opportunities I can't stop thinking about all my wants; I want someone to hold my hand delicately While we stroll through the beautiful roads. I want to have fun with my group of friends In a way that we forget tomorrow does arrive. I want someone to kiss me softly and  Whisper sweet nothings that would fade in time. I want to be there for my loved ones and tell that Their world could never end with me by their side. In a life with so much space to find ourselves I keep forgetting about my needs; I need to spend time with myself  When the outside world becomes loud I need to love being myself  On all the good days and the bad ones. I need to be able to forgive myself For the times I let myself believe the harsh words. I need to feel like I belong in my world, I need me to want me more.

 Lately, I find comfort in the stillness  that life offers, When the sun's rays fall on me, I turn my face towards it in devotion. When I feel so much love for you, I glance for just a second longer than usual. When I go on a date with the sky, I find tears softening my cheeks. When you tell me you love me, I take a moment to say it back. The world rushes by in a hurry while I move away into a world of my own, A world where my words reside in peace. The world and me, devoid of movement Has never been so beautiful. In the stillness of the sun, I find pleasure in a cold shower after. In the stillness of my eyes on you, I feel happy that I could catch myself in love. In my stillness over the sky's graceful changes, I am capable of accepting my losses. In the stillness of your love, I remember I am being loved in a way I was meant to be. And when I find myself on a starless night, I'll tell you my secrets through a poem  that you would forget to read.

  Some days I feel lonely and I think about bottling up  Moments that felt good. A bottle of my mother's warmth, One of my father's hugs, Another of my brother's smiles and an extra of my sister's laughs. Some days I feel sad and  I think about what awaits me When I get through the day. Grandparents that patiently waits to give me a warm welcome. Finally going on a trip with friends that We have been planning for years now. On days I feel happy I give away my hugs and smiles Like I have plenty to give, I still believe the ones I gave away Are the ones that come back To find me in discomfort. Afterall we are just beings Basking in the warmth of hope

 Red was when she was in love, Sneaking glances at other couples when he wasn't there by her side. Like a smile that crossed her lips Whenever she thought of the  Kisses he used to steal from her. Orange was when she witnessed  People healing with time The way she saw them enjoy life Again with so much gratitude Like a reassuring touch to show That the body they live in Finally feels like their own. Yellow was when you discovered Beautiful things about the people you love. Like how her favourite colour was yellow All along but you thought it was blue And now everytime you see things in yellow It feels like home. Green was when he stayed with her Even after everyone left They lay in each other's arms And breathed promises with their lips. Like watching fields of flowers swaying Listening to the stories bought by the wind While they slowly built their realm of peace. Blue was when your soul feels empty even when it was overflowing, An unrest that travels throughout  your body thr

 Humans warm my heart They could hold the whole universe  In their eyes But feel the most special When someone loves them. They could wither away slowly  With the passing of time But find the strength to hold  Onto themselves for one more time. They could be healing slowly From feelings abused But still have enough love To send over to people in need. In a world where you could  Wish for anything, You chose the little things That brightened your day. When you laugh with a friend, And empty your worries into  Their understanding hands, You whisper new forms of love Like a secret into the world. It does intrigue my heart  That in a vast world of creations The idea of someone miles away Is all you desire on a lonely night.

 I held him close when he cried And felt shivers of protest leaving his body, He was chanting with every single breathe 'I want to live! I want to live!' You and me, on days that challenge  our existence start a revolution One that would takes away our layers, Layers that gave us a reason to survive. Victorious we will arise, In a battle against ourselves, With our emotions bare and alone, And riot in the language of self-love. On a day that could heal a broken heart He called me over to break mine. He looked at me with teary eyes and the air heavy with apologies, he said 'I am sorry I don't love you anymore.' She left him with a smile Satisfied with the memories she got to keep, Like someone leaving a protest With a throat that was hurting  And a heart full of reform wishing For a day that would never come. Within us lies a hundred protests Silent ones that we fight everyday Learning to change and grow Into people that can only love. I am still yearning to live in

 How do I forgive myself For letting a part of me die? Where will I go to search  For all the love she needed? What should I say to the one  That still hopes with an aching heart? How can I tell you what I am? Someone who write eulogies For the living And heartfelt confessions to  Graves of people's pasts. I am the epitome of mindful regret, It doesn't assault me on a calm evening, Instead we go out for a cup of coffee And cry in each other's arm until I fall asleep. O darling! Keep your hopes high, I'd crawl on my knees  And ask you to live for the both of us. I grasp handfuls of dirt  To throw on my own grave. Dirt filled with the poems I never wrote, With the people I never loved, With pieces of life that declared  Its own death.

 The world should stop giving people labels. Where do you think the 'happy girl' hides her tears? She doesn't sell them off to the 'sad one down the street' When you call him 'a little dull for a boy' He finds himself trying to force a smile when he doesn't have to. The 'genius in class 9C' doesn't have to hear your concerns about what's happening when he loses some marks. Both the 'matchstick' and 'lard-arse'  Only ever asked you how your day was But why do you have an undying impulse  To give them a health check everytime you meet.   The world should stop confining them within a word. Spinning a web of the beholder's accounts Around a person walking by Only for them to get tangled in it And find it difficult to be anything else. If they find their way out to make their point clear,  You make it a mission to try and find new words. When you are told who you are, You start believing that is your identity. And one day w

 A scared young child woke up Everyday wondering who she really was She only had insecurities as answers And she kept wondering if that is all she'll ever be. She found a cradle in words It knitted itself so tightly and whispered Words of comfort she wished to hear And kept her warm through the storm. Words that turned the war cries on her tongue Into blossoming fields of forgiveness, Words that became her voice when others  Asked her to shout and then muffled her screams, Words that came as a friend that was ready  To understand her anger and her sorrow. Words that never attempted to silence who  she was even when she could barely recognise herself. With it, she fought for others, She wrote endless love letters, She breathed life into the remnants of her memories, She chanted self-worth into her life, And if the poet she is could give her a will to live She'd write throughout her life.

 He holds a cigarette in between his fingers And gives a stained smile That stinks like broken promises His god-send wife and these darned cigarettes He couldn't imagine a life without them He hides his secret stash from her  How could he lie to her lovely face And his guilt drives him to take a puff or two. 'It's her fault', he laughs. She oils her granddaughter's hair And plaits it tightly Make a habit of doing this everyday To get beautiful long locks of hair,she said. When cancer stole the whole of  her darling's hair Grandma shaved her head too 'Who needs hair anyway?', she giggled. He led a life of solitude And he often found it dangerous But when she started visiting his life He made an extra cup of coffee for her He held her in a way he had never been held before And her favourite habit of his  Was how he whispered 'I love you'  Just before he kissed her. Humans hold strange habits When one helps to hold back an empty shell of his past Fr

 When the sun shines a little bright To dry her tears, When the rain comes pouring down To make her smile, When her mom brings flowers from the garden To decorate her room, When he bought a plant And they excitedly watched it grow, When we snuggle in closer At the sound of thunder approaching, When we shared a kiss Under the awaiting starry sky, When the birds sing  To remind her of a fresh beginning, When she visit the waves And it washes over her heavy heart, When the colours of the sunset Wipes away the blue looming over her, When her diary is full of dried flowers That were once a gift of love and affection, With so many memories intertwined with nature, She can't help thinking The earth is a lover.

  Her dad asked her to stay away from nice guys That all they will ever do is break her heart. While he protected his sweet little girl from young love,  It was a stranger who flashed that made her cry and stole her nights. Her mother told her to always make friends  But only 'good sanskari' ones, Who's gonna tell her that the friend who helped her out of depression Was the one that started drinking at 16 with fake IDs. His brother was a strong man,  One that'd shield and protect him from anything evil in this world. While he stood in the bathroom spitting his own blood when all he did was love a boy, the one that hit him first was the one that swore to always protect him. What has the world come to? With friends that are cautious about using the N-word But hate a band because of their race. With family that gets enraged when girls have sex with their lovers But will do anything to hide the family's honour when a uncle comes too often to visit. With closed ones that

When life feels a little too much to handle I want to be able to say so. When life asks a lot from me in too little time I want to scream the unknown deadlines of my pain. When life suffocates me and then asks me to breathe I want to show how little life it could have taken anyway. When life hands out a rope made of unenthusiastic hope I want to be able to hold onto it even by a single thread. When life comforts me through a friend's "You okay?" I want to be able to say "I am not." When life strips me naked to witness my muster of emotions I want it to be in front of a faithful friend or my forgiving self. When life gives me a chance to love again I want to use it on myself. And if I still have traces of life While I stand there answering all of your questions, Please come hold my hand, let's live once again.

We came into this world together With a promise to be each other's forever. The unspeakable bond was shaken wildly When I was given away to receive love from another. I would look at you being loved so dearly And wondered if you would ever want to come back. And when life started feeling empty without you, I started out on a journey alone. I collected happiness in excess  Not wanting to fall behind on memories to share when we finally reunite. I held smiles, praises and empathy tightly Never letting even a single emotion disappear. When we met again, I held the hands of an empty stranger. You spoke in a language I couldn't decipher, You expressed affection in a way I couldn't understand You told me you lost everything  While you stood waiting for me. A guilty feeling brooded over our company, Our moody skies and rainbows  Stood baffled unable to pass through a thin wall. We sat together in silence, One full of love and the other devoid, One in a wonderland and the other gro

  I wonder how you hold a hand over your gaping wound and forgive so tenderly, So softly like the eyes that meet the arrival of spring. For once I want you to enjoy spring to the fullest before you welcome summer. I wish you'd finally find it in yourself to let it out and heal your wounds So that we could watch winter in the warmth of each other. We all kept our worries a secret and didn't realise how they were the same. A little love and tenderness could have soothed our pain but we were so oblivious. And I watched you lower your shoulders with the heaviness of the burdens on your heart. I wonder if one day you'll wake up frightened realising how effortlessly it had held you down When your tender reassurances could have lifted them. I wonder if you'll listen to me when I ask you to let people go, forgive them for yourself, let yourself be loved the way you ought to be, And to give life a chance. I promise I'll come back to you when I have enough love to give to you