Things that burn

 I can barely remember what I talked about yesterday but there is so much I still remember so vividly and on a day that does seem kind, I might be tempted to tell the world all of it. But will anyone look at me the same again? Like a person that breaks down in the middle of a crowd, or a breakup story that travels through all mutual friends or how you opened up to someone that you trusted a lot or days when you are really silent, that is all you will be remembered for, stories. People do have their own mysterious way to remember you. I want to be able to tell my story, every single bit of it, about how I love and why I cry, about the simple things I am grateful for and the people that I am glad I met, about my bad days and how my voice breaks when I try to be kind, about the people who loves me and cares for me in the most soft and caressing ways. I want to be able to tell the world how I feel. I think everyone needs to tell the world what burns inside them with so much power so that the world can learn to recognise a fire when they see one and not when it has burnt someone down. 

1. Have you ever looked at someone you love a lot but realise the more closer you get you can't love them like you used to? Like they are perfect to be loved when they are by themselves, basking in the sunlight, busy with their chores, smiling at a video they are watching but you fail to understand why you love them when you interact with them. It's almost like you bring out the worst in them and you think maybe if you weren't around so much they would have become the most loveliest person on the planet. Sometimes I have these thoughts about the people I love. A sudden sense of understanding to abandon them so that they get to live their best lives even if I can't be a part of their life anymore.

2. Some days I really wish I could speak the way I write because I have so much to say and I am incapable of letting it out because I am in doubt myself. Where do I begin if I have never known when it started? I wish that on days when I don't feel like myself, I can just disappear so that no questions would be asked. I wish I could talk endlessly about what I feel or type out numerous paragraphs about why I am sad but I don't. I wish I knew me well enough to tell you. It scares me, the initimacy of letting someone know all that you have been through. Instead I would like to sit alone with myself and try to understand why my heart burns so wild on days that are simply fine. 

3. Falling in love. Falling in love alone, falling in love together, falling in love at the wrong time, love in general.

4. Being unable to care for someone even though you want to because you are overwhelmed by yourself and there's no way you can explain it to them because they wouldn't understand and you don't want them to see you cry. Something that haunts me to this day, wanting to help someone but being unsure whether you'll dump your cry for help first. 

5. Few people in this world who'd let me breathe, help me breathe by just understanding when I am under the weather, whenever I find it too difficult to speak. I wish they knew how much they meant to me. I hope they do. I really hope they have heard my silent thank yous, all the silent sorrys and the million words I try to stuff into the I love yous. I really am thankful for the silence we shared and the questions you didn't ask.

6. To everyone out there having a hard day, I hope you have it in you to remember how a good day feels like and how to look forward to it. I hope you have it in you to remember that no matter how safe it feels to heal by yourself, it's okay to cry in front of your loved ones and let them hold you. I hope you have it in you to remember that nothing can really prepare you for the days your heart will sinfully burn but then again you have learnt how to stifle fires with your kind and understanding breezes and don't you dare forget that. 

What a delight and burden it is to be alive, be it with pain or with passion, be it with actions or passive reminders, be it with loud secrets or million tiny details, give the world hints to tell your story the way you lived it, with no extra fittings but just pure raw emotions of vulnerability.