The Deranged Thoughts Of A Girl

 I don't remember the last time  I wrote something in my bucket list. I heard stories about how people Found themselves in the peaceful  mountains or the bustling cities And I knew I was lost. I read how The Alchemist changed  People's lives but the world looked Different for me after reading  Sylvia Plath's The bell jar.  I was told that saving up for  The future will be worth it But on a sad day, going on A small trip with my savings Made me feel alive again. I saw people in love and wrote  It down blushing but the paper Looked tired of being erased Everytime someone leaves. I wrote new ones just to strike  Them off while the old ones Stood stiffly as contradictions. My travel lists felt so lifeless When compared to a beach  Visit with you. The books that held me together Were never there in any of my  Reading lists. When I realised I could have  Lived all the time I spent planning I suddenly craved for more time. Love wrote itself into my life so gracefully that it felt

 The world wakes up to the sound  of ambulances, slowly gaining  consciousness with silent prayers Murmured under the blankets  Hoping for a day where we can wake   Up to horoscope predictions and  Not the impending doom that awaits us. Meanwhile, I lie here reminiscing how life Used to be so simple, sweet and carefree. I wonder hasn't life become even more Simpler yet so tragic. In the comfort of our homes We are saving people but locked inside  our minds, we are slowly dying.

 The burden of humans lie deep Within their enchanting souls. The art of remembering another  With bursts of glitter and gold, Words of praise and a heart  That expresses fondness always Yet we in a lifetime could never Fully spell out why we kept feeling Like we stumbled upon a treasure When it was really just you  Walking towards me on a stormy day. We hold our memories of people So close and secured in us It never gathers the settling dust Because of how frequently it gets Visited and remembered about. The spiral of gold dust slowly dancing In the rays of sunlight that  Playfully passed through and  Hid in the comforts of the Rooms in our hearts. Each particle so magnificently  Beautiful to the eyes of the beholder Like being invited to a sorcerer's world For the world could be magic If it had miracles like you in it. We could hide them in our poems Or write novels about them, But for souls as special as yours The words always fall short  For the world to really know you.

 Love brushed past me like a wind During a hot summer afternoon Cooling the beads of sweat on my body With shivers of comfort and pleasure. It never came with grand gestures and Bouquets of flowers on a dreamy night, It stayed with my sorrows and gently Lifted them into the silent night with its touch. Love left me while I was still asleep  comfortable in the warmth it had left behind, With a forehead kiss as a goodbye note It walked away with empathy and regrets. It didn't turn words into hate or leave one  Stranded in a world of indifference, It stood comforting me while I cried And whispered helplessness for its tragic form. Love haunts me some days and I hide in places where it could never find me. But love was kind, it waits for me. Like reveling the last lines of a poem Because it made you feel something, I knew I would go looking for love again, How could a poet resist something  that brings beauty to her words.

 I have my favourite people Scattered all across my life Some are aware of their worth In my life and others unaware Yet they remain silently and Safely tucked into small spaces, a memory that doesn't grow dim Even when new ones form. I find myself running into your arms Just to remind myself that The world still has a kind face in it. You halfway around the world Told me things I was dying to hear And made me want to live life a little. I love the silent conversations  We have when my mind goes awry, How wonderful it is to be understood? We keep apologizing for never Staying in touch but my drunk photos find you first and you call me cool. Our names lie in red in each other's phones As missed calls and yet with a strict Call time in hostel, you call me first. In places new and strange, I have found gems of people Who light up my world with just A mention of their name And I call them home.

 In a life filled with wondrous opportunities I can't stop thinking about all my wants; I want someone to hold my hand delicately While we stroll through the beautiful roads. I want to have fun with my group of friends In a way that we forget tomorrow does arrive. I want someone to kiss me softly and  Whisper sweet nothings that would fade in time. I want to be there for my loved ones and tell that Their world could never end with me by their side. In a life with so much space to find ourselves I keep forgetting about my needs; I need to spend time with myself  When the outside world becomes loud I need to love being myself  On all the good days and the bad ones. I need to be able to forgive myself For the times I let myself believe the harsh words. I need to feel like I belong in my world, I need me to want me more.

 Lately, I find comfort in the stillness  that life offers, When the sun's rays fall on me, I turn my face towards it in devotion. When I feel so much love for you, I glance for just a second longer than usual. When I go on a date with the sky, I find tears softening my cheeks. When you tell me you love me, I take a moment to say it back. The world rushes by in a hurry while I move away into a world of my own, A world where my words reside in peace. The world and me, devoid of movement Has never been so beautiful. In the stillness of the sun, I find pleasure in a cold shower after. In the stillness of my eyes on you, I feel happy that I could catch myself in love. In my stillness over the sky's graceful changes, I am capable of accepting my losses. In the stillness of your love, I remember I am being loved in a way I was meant to be. And when I find myself on a starless night, I'll tell you my secrets through a poem  that you would forget to read.

  Some days I feel lonely and I think about bottling up  Moments that felt good. A bottle of my mother's warmth, One of my father's hugs, Another of my brother's smiles and an extra of my sister's laughs. Some days I feel sad and  I think about what awaits me When I get through the day. Grandparents that patiently waits to give me a warm welcome. Finally going on a trip with friends that We have been planning for years now. On days I feel happy I give away my hugs and smiles Like I have plenty to give, I still believe the ones I gave away Are the ones that come back To find me in discomfort. Afterall we are just beings Basking in the warmth of hope

 Red was when she was in love, Sneaking glances at other couples when he wasn't there by her side. Like a smile that crossed her lips Whenever she thought of the  Kisses he used to steal from her. Orange was when she witnessed  People healing with time The way she saw them enjoy life Again with so much gratitude Like a reassuring touch to show That the body they live in Finally feels like their own. Yellow was when you discovered Beautiful things about the people you love. Like how her favourite colour was yellow All along but you thought it was blue And now everytime you see things in yellow It feels like home. Green was when he stayed with her Even after everyone left They lay in each other's arms And breathed promises with their lips. Like watching fields of flowers swaying Listening to the stories bought by the wind While they slowly built their realm of peace. Blue was when your soul feels empty even when it was overflowing, An unrest that travels throughout  your body thr

 Humans warm my heart They could hold the whole universe  In their eyes But feel the most special When someone loves them. They could wither away slowly  With the passing of time But find the strength to hold  Onto themselves for one more time. They could be healing slowly From feelings abused But still have enough love To send over to people in need. In a world where you could  Wish for anything, You chose the little things That brightened your day. When you laugh with a friend, And empty your worries into  Their understanding hands, You whisper new forms of love Like a secret into the world. It does intrigue my heart  That in a vast world of creations The idea of someone miles away Is all you desire on a lonely night.

 I held him close when he cried And felt shivers of protest leaving his body, He was chanting with every single breathe 'I want to live! I want to live!' You and me, on days that challenge  our existence start a revolution One that would takes away our layers, Layers that gave us a reason to survive. Victorious we will arise, In a battle against ourselves, With our emotions bare and alone, And riot in the language of self-love. On a day that could heal a broken heart He called me over to break mine. He looked at me with teary eyes and the air heavy with apologies, he said 'I am sorry I don't love you anymore.' She left him with a smile Satisfied with the memories she got to keep, Like someone leaving a protest With a throat that was hurting  And a heart full of reform wishing For a day that would never come. Within us lies a hundred protests Silent ones that we fight everyday Learning to change and grow Into people that can only love. I am still yearning to live in

 How do I forgive myself For letting a part of me die? Where will I go to search  For all the love she needed? What should I say to the one  That still hopes with an aching heart? How can I tell you what I am? Someone who write eulogies For the living And heartfelt confessions to  Graves of people's pasts. I am the epitome of mindful regret, It doesn't assault me on a calm evening, Instead we go out for a cup of coffee And cry in each other's arm until I fall asleep. O darling! Keep your hopes high, I'd crawl on my knees  And ask you to live for the both of us. I grasp handfuls of dirt  To throw on my own grave. Dirt filled with the poems I never wrote, With the people I never loved, With pieces of life that declared  Its own death.

 The world should stop giving people labels. Where do you think the 'happy girl' hides her tears? She doesn't sell them off to the 'sad one down the street' When you call him 'a little dull for a boy' He finds himself trying to force a smile when he doesn't have to. The 'genius in class 9C' doesn't have to hear your concerns about what's happening when he loses some marks. Both the 'matchstick' and 'lard-arse'  Only ever asked you how your day was But why do you have an undying impulse  To give them a health check everytime you meet.   The world should stop confining them within a word. Spinning a web of the beholder's accounts Around a person walking by Only for them to get tangled in it And find it difficult to be anything else. If they find their way out to make their point clear,  You make it a mission to try and find new words. When you are told who you are, You start believing that is your identity. And one day w

 A scared young child woke up Everyday wondering who she really was She only had insecurities as answers And she kept wondering if that is all she'll ever be. She found a cradle in words It knitted itself so tightly and whispered Words of comfort she wished to hear And kept her warm through the storm. Words that turned the war cries on her tongue Into blossoming fields of forgiveness, Words that became her voice when others  Asked her to shout and then muffled her screams, Words that came as a friend that was ready  To understand her anger and her sorrow. Words that never attempted to silence who  she was even when she could barely recognise herself. With it, she fought for others, She wrote endless love letters, She breathed life into the remnants of her memories, She chanted self-worth into her life, And if the poet she is could give her a will to live She'd write throughout her life.

 He holds a cigarette in between his fingers And gives a stained smile That stinks like broken promises His god-send wife and these darned cigarettes He couldn't imagine a life without them He hides his secret stash from her  How could he lie to her lovely face And his guilt drives him to take a puff or two. 'It's her fault', he laughs. She oils her granddaughter's hair And plaits it tightly Make a habit of doing this everyday To get beautiful long locks of hair,she said. When cancer stole the whole of  her darling's hair Grandma shaved her head too 'Who needs hair anyway?', she giggled. He led a life of solitude And he often found it dangerous But when she started visiting his life He made an extra cup of coffee for her He held her in a way he had never been held before And her favourite habit of his  Was how he whispered 'I love you'  Just before he kissed her. Humans hold strange habits When one helps to hold back an empty shell of his past Fr

 When the sun shines a little bright To dry her tears, When the rain comes pouring down To make her smile, When her mom brings flowers from the garden To decorate her room, When he bought a plant And they excitedly watched it grow, When we snuggle in closer At the sound of thunder approaching, When we shared a kiss Under the awaiting starry sky, When the birds sing  To remind her of a fresh beginning, When she visit the waves And it washes over her heavy heart, When the colours of the sunset Wipes away the blue looming over her, When her diary is full of dried flowers That were once a gift of love and affection, With so many memories intertwined with nature, She can't help thinking The earth is a lover.

  Her dad asked her to stay away from nice guys That all they will ever do is break her heart. While he protected his sweet little girl from young love,  It was a stranger who flashed that made her cry and stole her nights. Her mother told her to always make friends  But only 'good sanskari' ones, Who's gonna tell her that the friend who helped her out of depression Was the one that started drinking at 16 with fake IDs. His brother was a strong man,  One that'd shield and protect him from anything evil in this world. While he stood in the bathroom spitting his own blood when all he did was love a boy, the one that hit him first was the one that swore to always protect him. What has the world come to? With friends that are cautious about using the N-word But hate a band because of their race. With family that gets enraged when girls have sex with their lovers But will do anything to hide the family's honour when a uncle comes too often to visit. With closed ones that

When life feels a little too much to handle I want to be able to say so. When life asks a lot from me in too little time I want to scream the unknown deadlines of my pain. When life suffocates me and then asks me to breathe I want to show how little life it could have taken anyway. When life hands out a rope made of unenthusiastic hope I want to be able to hold onto it even by a single thread. When life comforts me through a friend's "You okay?" I want to be able to say "I am not." When life strips me naked to witness my muster of emotions I want it to be in front of a faithful friend or my forgiving self. When life gives me a chance to love again I want to use it on myself. And if I still have traces of life While I stand there answering all of your questions, Please come hold my hand, let's live once again.

We came into this world together With a promise to be each other's forever. The unspeakable bond was shaken wildly When I was given away to receive love from another. I would look at you being loved so dearly And wondered if you would ever want to come back. And when life started feeling empty without you, I started out on a journey alone. I collected happiness in excess  Not wanting to fall behind on memories to share when we finally reunite. I held smiles, praises and empathy tightly Never letting even a single emotion disappear. When we met again, I held the hands of an empty stranger. You spoke in a language I couldn't decipher, You expressed affection in a way I couldn't understand You told me you lost everything  While you stood waiting for me. A guilty feeling brooded over our company, Our moody skies and rainbows  Stood baffled unable to pass through a thin wall. We sat together in silence, One full of love and the other devoid, One in a wonderland and the other gro

  I wonder how you hold a hand over your gaping wound and forgive so tenderly, So softly like the eyes that meet the arrival of spring. For once I want you to enjoy spring to the fullest before you welcome summer. I wish you'd finally find it in yourself to let it out and heal your wounds So that we could watch winter in the warmth of each other. We all kept our worries a secret and didn't realise how they were the same. A little love and tenderness could have soothed our pain but we were so oblivious. And I watched you lower your shoulders with the heaviness of the burdens on your heart. I wonder if one day you'll wake up frightened realising how effortlessly it had held you down When your tender reassurances could have lifted them. I wonder if you'll listen to me when I ask you to let people go, forgive them for yourself, let yourself be loved the way you ought to be, And to give life a chance. I promise I'll come back to you when I have enough love to give to you