I am scared

Today as I stand here I am scared of myself. Scared of who I have turned to be. I feel like crying because I feel like I have changed. Not my appearance, not my ideals, not my dreams, but simply the way I think. Everything has been covered by a black veil to be protected from dust,rain, anything but it's useless. It should have been destroyed a long time back. But I didn't. A life full of regrets. It was pouring heavily. And I just let myself get drenched. I can feel myself standing on the middle of the road, drenched, shivering but smiling. A smile I am all too ready to withdraw immediately. I was alone. In this big happy world ,I was alone. In my big family, I was alone. I didn't feel heard. I was dying inside.

Everyday I walk to that tiny corner of my heart that is covered in dust. I try to clean only to end up coughing. I can see the black veil here and there. But everything's hidden even though they are scarcely covered. Everyday I try to sit and confess. Everyday I pray that it overcomes all difficulties but here I am crying inside. Crying because the black veil is only getting longer and longer. Longer and longer. Longer and longer till it covers even the corners. I plead. I plead so much. But I am failing. Aren't I ? No,this is not a question for you. It's for me. I should answer this. I will.

The darkness doesn't hurt anymore. It's inviting. I try to get cosy under the veil but it pushes me away. I almost fall. I hear cries. Loud cries. It's begging. Begging me to go away. I couldn't. I came this far. Going back would be too traumatizing. I run inside again. This time the push has left me bleeding.

But the red has only ignited me even more.

"Why?"

I find myself crying. I know the answer too well. Because of all the lies. Lies I made up. Lies that simply has confined to be a part of who I am but so distant. I made myself a stranger. A stranger built on lies.


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