Starting anew

 

   Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and feeling healthy. Lately, I haven't had time to write anything or feel anything deeply because life has definitely caught up to me. I used to think that I would look forward to being an adult and having responsibilities. But that doesn't seem like the case. I feel the pressure of having to exist in this society and creating an existence that means something. It is extremely time-consuming. I don't have time to completely embrace a happy moment because my work starts in 30 minutes. Or I can't cry my heart out because the gym closes in 1 hour and I can't miss another day. Or I can't talk to my friends because the assignment is due at 11:59pm. I mean, I understand that life is supposed to be like this? Oh wait, that's how we were taught it would be. But I want to break free. One day. Surely.

   Meeting my share of 'good people' like I always do and pride myself on has been difficult for the past year. I have met some but they had to move on with a life of their own. And it's terrifying. Like what do you mean you aren't going to stay with me for another year of school? What do you mean that you are restarting your life in another country or province? What do you mean that you are going to be another friend I can only reach by a call and not right beside me? It is painful, adulting is painful and I don't think my fragile heart is meant for it. I love uncertainty but sometimes I do want my people close to me. 

   I don't call people a lot and I never thought much about it but most people come up with the perception that I just don't care much. I accepted that analysis because it was easier than dwelling on myself and finding what it really was. But I did have to do it and it was a fucking mess. Somehow, I am convinced that no one really loves me. I know, I know, so cliche. But my brain is convinced and hardened on that fact. It could definitely be my upbringing and the lack of attention I received growing up. My people-pleasing tendency was so damn high and it is getting weakened now not because I am healing but because I am tired. I realized that the reason why I don't call anyone is because I don't have the energy to entertain them and I am convinced if I don't entertain them, they won't like me anymore. A bit sick, right? It made me cry a lot and I am scared to be sharing this but I want to be true to myself.

   'I became myself. I turned my life around for you and I deserve to keep you', said J when I asked if my vulnerable side scared him off and if he still wanted to stay.

'It's okayyy', said S when I mentioned that I don't feel good sometimes.

'I understand', said a new friend I made.

   It is hard to believe in what I believe when I have amazing people around but my brain needs to be rewired and taught to actually materialize all the things I want to believe. 

   I know this piece of writing is scattered all over the place but all I want to say is that I want this year to be real. One where I don't have to lie to myself to move forward, one where I feel genuine happiness, and experience grief as I want to and not by any textbook method. Let this writing be the start of it. 

With love,

Lynn