Someone I loved. (Part 2)

I promised myself that I wouldn't write about you, again.

Waking up few days after it was over, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I couldn't try to reach you. Not that I couldn't, but I shouldn't. I didn't know how to tell my mother how the one boy who I was so adamant about broke my heart. I didn't know how to tell my brother that he should take me to the beach quite often for the days to come. Because I never thought you would be a synonym of the sea, coming in big waves and leaving slowly, full of desire and grief. And I wanted to be around anything that didn't remind me of you.

I couldn't listen to music for days, without crying. Somehow, they were all about you. I remember leaving the room when I heard 'All I want' playing. It just had too many memories, that I didn't want to waste away with my tears. The constant confirmation that maybe we weren't meant to be, or the miracle of him was frightening. I was just glad he was in my life. The paint, canvas, brushes, strokes, I didn't want people painting a picture of how it was or how it should have been. Maybe that is why it took so long to write something that I wouldn't regret.

 You were my replacement for the beautiful skies. I missed many sunsets talking to you. I experimented new songs because of you. I experienced what it felt like to love someone. And it was the most consuming and blissful journey.

When you asked me if I was okay, I felt a huge gush of lies surging out of my lips. I swallowed them whole and said "Doing better." It took me few pages of poems, several notes about how I felt about you, my mom's theory of love, my siblings' ignorance to my whining, the secrets I didn't tell him, to come up with those two words. I am glad I met you, I am glad I talked to you, I am glad I fell in love with you, and I am glad you decided to leave early. Much much early.
The sound of your name brings a series of smiles, flinches and pain. I hope it transpires to a simple name one day. As much as I know how much life it contains, it's not good for my heart.


I didn't keep my promise before but I promise this is the last time I am writing about you.


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