My muse

"My muse? What a strange thing to ask." I said, looking deeply into the eyes of the person sitting across me. She looked a bit intimidated and I felt an unease nudging in myself to relax the mood. 

"I mean, what a wonderful thing to ask." I said with a sigh. She reminded me why I stopped conversing with people in the first place; the impending idea of being nice to everyone was eating me alive. It didn't come as easy as before.

When she asked to meet, I said yes because I was tired of how I saw the world and I desperately needed to watch it with someone with different ideas to save myself. I recognised her as soon as I stepped into the cafe. It was hard not to notice her with her bright yellow dress that had hundreds of small cars on it. I caught a glimpse of myself through the glass doors as I prepared to leave. So different. So very different. I took a deep breath, turned around and walked toward her table. 

"Hey. Did I make you wait for long?" I asked her with a smile.

.....

"Aren't we supposed to love ourselves? It's a given. We have to love ourselves." she said without a pause after I called one of her questions about self-love stupid.

"It's the start of a toxic relationship," I laughed but noticed that she didn't. "If the voice in your head is not kind and you love it because it's a given that we should love ourselves, well now you are in a toxic relationship." I said, looking at her with keen eyes to see if she could grasp what I said. I always had trouble finding the right words and I hate when people give up when they can't get their ideas across. You have left me in the mist here with my curiosity, it's only fair that you take my hand and lead me out of here with another chance for me to understand. But as the conversation proceeded I began to understand why they did leave you in the mist and walked away. They were tired of people not understanding them. 

"It's nothing. Never mind." I said when she remained clueless. "Wait, but why wouldn't the voice in your head be kind? It's your voice." She said and I gulped. I opened my mouth several times to explain but the words inside were washed down each time I swallowed. 

"You have changed a lot. I almost couldn't recognise you." She said. I nodded but then pursed my eyebrows in confusion. "You don't even know me. We are meeting for the first time." I said, my voice trembling a little. "Are you sure?" She asked with a confident smile.

I willed myself to say something. To say anything. "You are exactly how I wanted you to be. But now I am not sure anymore. Maybe we should have let the optimist in you flare a little longer. But your smile, it's still the same old one. That's how I recognised you. You--" She said with so much love in her eyes but I interrupted "Can you please stop? This isn't funny anymore. I don't know you and you don't know me. Please leave. Please." I had my head in my hands now. I could feel the tears rushing and my cheeks and ears had become hot.

"Your muse. I am your muse. I always have been. Find me in yourself." She said as she stood up and hugged me from behind. And I let her. As she loosened her grip, I held her hands and tightened it around myself "Please stay." I said in a barely audible voice with tears that was finally let free. She didn't hesitate and I could feel the imprints of her smile on my shoulders. 

Suddenly ,the walls around me collapsed and I could no longer feel the warmth of her embrace. My legs had lost their support and I was falling into a huge dark hole. That was the last thing I remembered. When I woke up, I was lying on the hard cold floor with a book by my side and a pen that was loosely held in my hands. I could feel a tear in the corner of my eyes, I wiped it away to take a look at what I had been writing.

'My muse? What a strange thing to ask.' I scribbled off the word 'strange' and replaced it with 'wonderful'.