On the edge; fake stars.

The words still echo in my ear. A constant reminder of my freedom. A smile that I can't seem to hide. But there was something about my eyes. I failed to recognise the usual excitement it displays. They were sad and drowning, calling for help muted. I pushed them off as my illusion, a certain imagination as to what usually happens. It was quite common, I made myself believe. And I did,but little did I know that I would fall so hard.

He prayed with me,he cried. She blessed me,but broke down before completing her sentence. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I was worried as to why I wasn't reacting at all. My mom and Dad were strong or should I say they were more stressed out about other factors. I felt terrified as to why I was so emotionless when most of the time I am just a human rollercoaster of emotions. I focused on many other things. No, I tried to focus. Even the skies couldn't help me this time. I was lost.

I begged my inner self to just cry once,to let it all out. But nothing, I was empty. And I was off to a place with everything so unprepared mentally. As things started to settle, they were still by my side. And maybe I didn't realise how lucky I was. My parents had to leave early due to certain factors and before I knew it, I was sitting beside empty chairs. The only word ringing in my ears was empty. I still didn't cry.

After a week, I was a wreck. I was crying myself to sleep everyday. On weekends, it only worsened. On one such day, I found myself barely able to control myself. I was shivering, sluttering, crying and then I started to feel my heartbeats in my throat. I wanted water but the bottle was empty. Like a maniac, I ran out of my room to get water. On my way back, I decided to have some fresh air. I was so tired. Then I noticed something. There was only a single star in the whole sky. I started crying again. It was too much for me.

The next day, I had started avoiding my most favourite thing. I barely looked at it anymore. And it was painful. The sky was something that always gave me hope. It guided me. Well, maybe it was just the way I interpreted it but still I appreciated it. I craved hope, a sign that I could make it through. To make my life here fuller, the laughs real and love raw. But it was me. I wasn't giving myself a chance to find that hope. It was almost like suicide.

But one day, I took a leap of faith and decided to give the sky one more chance. That night, I watched the sky again. And near the bright shining star, I felt the presence of another star. Shining so faintly but still there. Exactly like the smile I had. So faint but still there. I went inside and cried one last time.

For I had allowed myself to find hope again. Even at the cost of hallucinations and fake stars. And I realised I wanted to survive, to tell you a story and also to convince myself there is so much goodness in this world. So, cheers to the star acquaintance of my tragic mind.

P.S. There will come a day when I plan and write. Not today. But someday.


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