The Deranged Thoughts Of A Girl

I wouldn't be ashamed of my collections one day, Of how every narration of my story has a tinge of hate.  I wouldn't talk to you about the days I cried to sleep,  Or how I don't remember being a child.  I wouldn't wish for people to understand me When I have mastered the art of misunderstanding them. I would be proud of my collections one day,  Because I know love always crashes my hate parties,  I would talk to you about I stay vulnerable despite being hurt,  Because I know the universe has always given me back what I lost,  I would stay with the people who are curious As they sit beside me to listen to what I collected today. 

 I feel old and lost at the same time,  I see people living their dreams So sure of what they want.  And I feel myself searching frantically To find a meaning I have never pondered about before.  I feel weak and strong at the same time,  I find people trying to navigate themselves So sure of what hurts and what shouldn't.  And I find myself panicking because Everything hurts even when they call me strong.  I feel trapped and free at the same time,  I watch people fly, sing, and dance So sure of how to enjoy their freedom.  And I find myself suffocated Stepping out of a cage not knowing where to go.  Here I stay, old and lost, weak and strong,  Trapped and free,  Searching and finding new revelations about myself,  Knowing that no matter how uncomfortable it gets,  I still get to write my own story. 

     Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and feeling healthy. Lately, I haven't had time to write anything or feel anything deeply because life has definitely caught up to me. I used to think that I would look forward to being an adult and having responsibilities. But that doesn't seem like the case. I feel the pressure of having to exist in this society and creating an existence that means something. It is extremely time-consuming. I don't have time to completely embrace a happy moment because my work starts in 30 minutes. Or I can't cry my heart out because the gym closes in 1 hour and I can't miss another day. Or I can't talk to my friends because the assignment is due at 11:59pm. I mean, I understand that life is supposed to be like this? Oh wait, that's how we were taught it would be. But I want to break free. One day. Surely.    Meeting my share of 'good people' like I always do and pride myself on has been difficult for the past year. I have ...

  Love is a strange feeling. I have tried to write about it so many times but it never feels right. So here goes another try. 1. This isn't something you wished for but now that it's here,it feels like everything. And sometimes it doesn't. And that frightens you. Like a huge 'I told you so' from life.  2. In a world where everything starts feeling like a trial and error experiment, you constantly doubt yourself by thinking if this is it. Should you look for more?  3. Everyone is a replacement for everyone in life. It's the best and worst thing about love. 4. But, 1. You stroke your fingers against their skin three times back and forth and say 'This means I love you when I am too tired to speak'.  2. You finally meet someone that lets you embrace your individuality. Something you were always afraid of because all of life had been a struggle to blend in. And now there's someone telling you 'That's you, you don't have to change'. You are...

1. Never become your bad thoughts.  The bumpy roads in Nepal helped me resolve my bad thoughts quickly. It was as if each plunge into the air knocked sense into me. It's always easy to have trains of thoughts following every single incident you see. Adding to your fears and traumas, adding to your doubts and trust issues but life is more than just gut feeling. Life is more than just ignoring a person because you didn't like his/her vibe, life is definitely more than what anyone can understand or explain. And the funny thing is there is always something new for you to learn, to love, to dislike and to even laugh at. Never become the thoughts that make you question who you are, if it questions you, it was never meant to be a good part of you.  2. Papa Daughter-father relationships are complex or they become so after a certain age where all your opinions never align. I have always questioned whether he was a good father or not. He gives me everything. Not a 'you can have every...

New people. There's something so eccentric about meeting new people. They all could have different places in your life. Some with whom you will connect so easily, some who you'll avoid after a single conversation, some that you get stuck with, and some you wished you had never met. You were somewhere in between. Could connect easily but sometimes I wished we'd never met because you put my morals, my values and myself to test. A test which I have been avoiding for long. And for good reason.   You sit across from me and we talk. Talk. Everything went beyond my head. Everything I heard, every song link that you sent, every single time you said I looked pretty. This man just wants to get in my pants, that is what I first thought of you. A little degrading, I know. Or maybe I don't know. You used just the right words always, ah fuck. The way you talked could give anyone an orgasm. If I met you 3 years back, I would be in love with you. But we meet now and I despise you. I ha...